Sticks & Stones: Untangling Ourselves and Our Identities from Words that Hurt Us
I often say in therapy that one of the biggest lies I’ve ever heard is, “Sticks and stones can break bones, but words can never hurt us.” When exploring what patients think about themselves, I commonly identify negative beliefs that stem from what was communicated to them by parents or caregivers, other family members, and peers, either directly or indirectly. These are often core beliefs, or strong beliefs, labels, and stories we hold about ourselves that can affect our thoughts, feelings, personality, and behavior that develop from a young age and are reinforced over time.
For example, if peers bullied a young boy and called him “stupid” because he struggled in school, he may start to develop the thought, “I am stupid.” If he internalizes these words and this fleeting thought, it may become a more rigid belief about himself that has consequences in his life. Someone who believes they are stupid may speak up less in class, judge themselves harshly when they make mistakes, or pursue fewer opportunities due to feeling as if they are unqualified or not smart enough.
Part of cognitive behavioral therapy involves identifying these thoughts or stories, viewing them as just that - thoughts or stories that are not real, challenging them, and replacing them with more helpful and realistic self-views. To challenge these beliefs, we can ask questions and become curious about their validity. An effective pair of questions is, “Who is the source of this belief? And is this source dependable?” In the example above, the peers who called the boy “stupid” are the source. Now, are these peers dependable or reliable sources of information about who that boy was as a person at that time or now 20 years later? Absolutely not!
Regardless of one’s success with learning to think differently, they can also start acting differently by taking action steps that align with their values and goals. That is, if that young boy, now a man, thinks he is stupid but values learning and has a goal of learning how to play the piano, he can still choose to engage in a number of action steps that align with that goal despite his belief, such as watching YouTube videos about how to play or hiring a piano teacher and taking lessons.
The beauty in identifying these often unconscious stories is that we have the ability to rewrite our narratives moving forward by adopting new language that is more helpful and more realistic and/or choosing to behave in ways that align with values and goals despite them.
Write about It:
What are some of the negative thoughts or beliefs that you hold about yourself? Examples include: I am bad, I am not good enough, I am unworthy, I am a failure, I am weak, I am unlovable, and I am worthless.
When did you learn these beliefs, and what made you think this way?
Are these beliefs true? What evidence do you have that you are not?
What else can you tell yourself that may be more realistic or helpful?
Do Something about It: Take Action.
Identify one action step that aligns with your values, goals, and who you want to be despite old stories or limiting beliefs.
Want to know more? Need help? Reach out to a mental health professional to inquire about therapy today.
