Cultivating Rest in a Society that Wants You to Hustle
Most of my patients contact me for help with feelings of anxiety and stress, as if it is the anxiety or stress that are the problem. However, I find that many times my patient’s bodies and minds are responding appropriately to objectively anxiety-provoking and stressful circumstances. That is, the patient has good reason to be anxious or stressed. Just as physical pain can be a signal of a broken bone or pinched nerve, mental pain like anxiety and stress can be symptoms of a tangible set of problems. Oftentimes my patients can find at least some relief with increased understanding of the source of the mental pain and intentional problem-solving.
One of the biggest contributors to anxiety and stress that I see in my practice is work and a culture that has accepted, normalized, and even celebrated overworking. I define over-work as working beyond one’s capacity at the cost of their physical, psychological, social, and/or spiritual health. In today’s American society, work, production, and achievement are often worshipped and prioritized above all else. These messages are insidious and are often guiding our lives without our conscious awareness. I commonly hear from people working 50+ hours per week just in the office and then continuing their work at home after hours. Overworking often contributes to feelings of burnout, disconnection from our bodies and other people, misalignment of values, and little room to regroup and think about how one is living their life in order to choose differently and live more intentionally.
How can work or overwork contribute to anxiety and stress? Put simply, fear and related anxiety are a manifestation of the fight-or-flight (-or-freeze) response, or activation of our sympathetic nervous system. Our sympathetic nervous system kicks into high gear when we perceive a threat in order to respond in the most optimal way to ensure our survival. For example, if I were to go hiking in the woods and come across a bear, my mind would tell my body to increase my heart rate and pump blood to my extremities like my hands or feet to fight the bear or to run from it. These days, many of our stressors are internal or metaphorical bears if you will - stressors that we carry around in our minds that do not require us to actually fight or flee physically. Examples include the thought of a project deadline, the email left unreturned, or worry about the upcoming job performance review.
Please note that anxiety and stress are normal and healthy responses in moderation. For example, it is helpful to be somewhat anxious about an upcoming work presentation. It is our body’s and mind’s way of signaling that the presentation is important and equipping us with the energy and bodily response we need to prepare, rehearse, and deliver. Imagine the alternative - if we were not anxious about it, we may not prepare or even forget to show up. The problem can be that there are chronic and constant work-related threats that leave little room for rest or a nervous system reset. Physically fighting or fleeing from a tangible external threat like fighting a bear or running from it results in energy expenditure and the eventual return to bodily homeostasis - activation of the parasympathetic nervous system, or rest-and-digest system. It is the branch of the nervous system activated when you are sitting on your couch in the comfort of your home. However, working beyond human capacity and constantly plugged in leaves little room for rest. I often think of us as human robots sitting at our desks with smoke coming out of our ears, like a computer or technological device that is overheating. We are not machines and have many needs, including that for rest. There can be so much more to life outside of work if we have the insight and willingness to make real, value-driven change.
Write about It
What messages have you received about work, productivity, and/or achievement as a child? As an adult? What was modeled in your family?
What do you think about how much you are currently working? How do you feel about it?
Imagine your perfect week and then write about it. How would you spend your time? Work backwards and identify action steps that you can take now to make that ideal week a greater reality in the future.
Do Something About It: Take Action
Press pause, close your eyes for a few moments at any point during the day, and focus on your breath. To focus on my breathing, I often remind myself to smell the flowers (inhale through my nose) and blow out the birthday candles (exhale through my mouth). Intentionally grounding into our breath allows us to regroup. Regrouping is a gift that we can give ourselves at any time. It allows us to step out of autopilot and intentionally take control - to be intentional about what our next step may be and to change our course.
Protect time right now or schedule time at a later date on your calendar to think and feel about how you are currently living your life. Is this current set-up and its pace working for you? If not, what do you need? Just consider making a change.
Lay down or take a nap. Just notice any judgments or discomfort that might arise from slowing down and resting and choose to continue to nap or rest anyway.
Make a list of all responsibilities and commitments on your plate both work and non-work-related. Review the list and consider if there are any responsibilities or commitments that you can decline or delegate to someone else to make more room on your plate. Send the text or email or make the phone call to do so.
Commit to saying, “No.” Make a commitment not to add anything to your plate for the time being to allow yourself time to regroup and clear your plate.
Honor existing work hours by committing to leaving work at the formal end of the work day.
Honor your lunch break.
Limit or prohibit access to email or other work in the evening or outside of work hours as much as reasonably possible.
Protect your schedule. Block off time to catch-up on email or other to-dos that usually follow you home, go addressed, or weigh you down. I like to do this on Thursdays or Fridays so that I can feel more grounded and mindful over the weekend.
Use more leave/allotted time off. If it would serve you, consider scheduling a vacation (or staycation) or taking a day off each month just to get organized at home, rest, or do something fun. Familiarize and educate yourself on different types of leave you may have and could be underutilizing. Consider taking sick leave to attend a therapy or medical appointment instead of scheduling these appointments after hours or on days off. Stay home when ill when you may have historically just pushed through.
Ask for privileges. Consider what might work better for you and your life and then ask for what you need, such as more days off, reduced work hours, increased flexibility, and work-from-home privileges.
Consider a job change. Daydream about your ideal job. Make a list of wants and needs and of small action steps that would be required to find a new job. Take one step today (e.g., contact a former colleague to network, review and edit your resume).
Read about It
Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle by Emily Nagoski & Amelia Nagoski
Rest is Resistance: A Manifesto by Tricia Hersey
Talk About It
Need further guidance? Therapy is a perfect place to carve out an hour of time per week to really think and feel about how you are living your life. It forces intentionality and lends itself to problem-solving and the intentional curation of a life that works better for you. Therapy is active and can reinforce actions that align with your unique goals and values. Ready to take the next step? Reach out today. I would be happy to serve you.
